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You'll Hate Yourself For Laughing At These 15 Cards Against Humanity Combos

If you’ve spent more than 10 whole minutes on the internet in the past few years, you might’ve noticed the recent trend towards any and all things PC. If there’s the slightest chance that someone, somewhere, might be offended by it, comments sections and Tumblr posts urge you to keep your mouth shut about it. Well, friends, the pendulum swings both ways, and as more and more people get bent out of shape about the anti-special-snowflake movement, the army of trolls gets bigger and bigger every day. Backlash is their largest form of sustenance; when the metaphorical Cincinnati Zoo asks for everyone to quit it with the Harambe stuff already, the metaphorical trolls will increase their meme production tenfold.

On the other hand, though, there are things that have gotten so popular solely because they push back against the political correctness movement. Hit Netflix original Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt pokes fun at just about every single minority and majority group there is – whites, blacks, Asians, gays, Native Americans, religious cults, hipsters, poor people, rich people – and fans love it for that reason. Comedians like Chris Rock and Daniel Lawrence Whitney agree that political correctness is killing comedy, because how funny can you be when you’re tiptoeing around everyone’s emotional eggshells?

And, finally, there’s the best-selling game Cards Against Humanity – an opinion-driven card game that’s got some of the most abrasively funny and non-PC phrases there are, and when combined in the right order, they can offend just about anybody. Check out these highly-horrible and downright hilarious Cards Against Humanity combos, because laughter is one of the best ways to get that stick out of your butt.

15 This Triple Whammy For Parents And Potatoes

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Whether you’re really into your freedom to set your own curfew or you identified a little too strongly with every Disney character ever, this “Dead Parents,” “Betcha can’t have just one!” pairing isn’t the slightest bit subtle. It’s a definite trigger for anyone in your group of friends who A). Lost a parent, B). Lost two parents, or C). Lost two parents and has a deathly allergy to Lays potato chips, so they can’t even bury their grief in the sweet, sweet taste of clogged arteries. No matter what kind of baggage your friends are dealing with, the person who paired these up doesn’t have a single F to give, but at least you know he can laugh at whatever scenario life throws at him.

14 This Truth About Your Adolescence

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Cringe-worthy? Absolutely. Still hilarious? You bet. So many questions arise with this one – is it a metaphor for the cripplingly awkward paralysis that is puberty, or does someone actually need to consult their therapist about overcoming a fetish? Is our generation really so enamored with Disney Princess movies that we grew up thinking it was entirely normal (romantic, even) to kiss a corpse? Odds are, we’ll never know, but there are two ways to look at this super uncomfortable card pairing: It’s either a very twisted debate on consent just waiting to happen, or it’s a bunch of drunk idiots messing around with a card game at a keg party. The latter seems like way more fun, so let’s just stick with that one.

13 This Brutal Commentary On Social Darwinism

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Remember this chapter in your ninth grade biology class? Darwin’s Natural Selection: the weaker animals die out so the stronger animals can pass on their genes to the next generation, resulting in a species that’s much more adequately suited for survival and more likely to flourish in the wild. Y’know, the giraffe with the shorter neck starves to death because he can’t reach the high-growing leaves and all that. Well, for better or for worse, humans have stopped doing that – generous species that we are, we let everyone live – and this card combination is arguably one of the most brutal ways to shed light on that little fact. In fact, we take the highest growing leaves and give them to the shortest giraffes, and then they spend their leaves on a trip to Disney World. Way to rise above it all, Humanity.

12 This Tidbit Of Amazing Sexual Advice

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Magazines and internet publications are absolutely teeming with advice on how to make your sex life better, more exciting, and more fulfilling. It’s been like that for years (because let’s face it, sex sells), but now it’s accompanied by the feminist sexuality movement, which pushes ideals like body positivity and anti-slut shaming. A woman’s body and sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what she’s into or what she looks like, and she should flaunt both of these as she sees fit. Well, you’ve never seen advice like this in your monthly Cosmo subscription, but maybe it’s only a matter of time. Because blowing in his ear and talking dirty is so 2010, and if you’re a real woman, you’ll do your best impression of a poorly-trained puppy in the name of sexual freedom.

11 This Overview Of Your Weekend

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We’ve all been there. A Tinder conversation leads to a cup of coffee, which leads to a “Why don’t you come back to my place so we can Netflix and chill?” Then, before you know it, his arm is around your shoulders while you kind of make out and kind of fool around, but mostly you’re just mentally contemplating every single life decision you’ve made that’s led you to this point: sitting on a stranger’s couch in the dark while the second Lord of the Rings movie plays in the background. No one’s actually watching it, nor did anyone really want to – it was just the first thing to come up in the requested category. But hey, then again, that’s pretty much a metaphor for dating apps in a nutshell, isn’t it?

10 This Heart-Breaking Truth About Millennial Life

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Let’s face it, guys. Our parents were married, settled down in a house, paying a mortgage, and popping out kids by our age. Blame it on student loans or the economy, but we’re not moving out any time before thirty, and even if we could find someone suitable on Tinder, it’d probably be a good ten years before we decided to snap on the old ball and chain, because who actually has twenty grand to drop on a wedding? This combo is hilarious and painful because, yeah, we’re not really all that equipped for adult life, but we’ll still do our best to start a family, get a house, and retire to God’s waiting room even though it’ll leave us broke and miserable for the rest of our lives.

9 This Optimistic Take On Race Relations

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Finally – someone who’s not afraid to flaunt it. This is a topic that’s been impossible to avoid, especially if you went to a liberal arts school or you often find yourself reading the comments section of YouTube videos. It’s the notion that white people inherently have built-in benefits while navigating through society, because there are hardships that they’ll never have to encounter due to the color of their skin. People of color, on the other hand, miss out on these privileges, but the primary issue here is that it’s something that often goes unnoticed unless you’re on the outside looking in. Basically, this dude did an epic job of turning the Beatles into way more of a social commentary than they were to begin with, so Kudos – you’re a champion.

8 Accurate, Yet Oh So Disconcerting

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Some things, while admittedly very accurate, aren’t all that comfortable to visualize. This card combination of “How did I lose my virginity?” and “Inserting a jam jar into my anus” is one of those such instances. Granted, this is also a situation in which adjectives would be greatly appreciated. Are we dealing with a standard grocery store jar here – say, an eight ounce jar of Smuckers? Welch’s, perhaps? Or did this unfortunate person decide to experiment with one of those off-brand three year supply bulk jars that one might find in Costco? Either way, we’re all hoping that said virginity-loser thought ahead with this one and went for a choice of preservatives encased in flexible plastic, rather than glass. Otherwise, there probably won’t be a time number two.

7 This Ode To Pure Bloodlines

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This spectacular pairing touches on something that’s gained a little bit of popularity since Game of Thrones, but for the most part, people have spent the better half of the last century using it to make fun of the south. However, while incest isn’t really the most celebrated of life choices now (having a lot to do with that whole strengthening the species thing we spoke about earlier), it hasn’t always been frowned down upon so heavily. From Ancient Egypt all throughout Renaissance Europe, people actually used to go out of their way to marry their cousins and even sometimes siblings to keep the bloodline pure. Maybe the person who threw down these cards was aiming to bring back that cultural phenomenon, alongside the ancient practice of “high fiving,” which has since been replaced with a hand emoji.

6 Your Sex Life, Now Supercharged With Financial Responsibilities

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Does anyone remember the good old days, when you went off to fight dragons and rescue princesses, drunkenly slept with a barmaid on your way home in a roadside tavern, and probably ended up with some long lost kin, but you’ll never actually know for sure? Me neither. This isn’t Lord of the Rings, guys, and now we’ve got a little something called DNA testing. No matter how good you are at the sex, the experience has since been dampened with the knowledge that, as of the 1960s, genetic paternity testing can and will force you to make eighteen years of payments for that one slip-up you had at a frat party in college. Not to sound like your ninth grade health teacher or anything, but wrap that rascal, alright?

5 This Not-So-Solid Advice On How To Parent

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Ah – another never-ending debate. How far should a parent be allowed to go in the name of reprimanding their child? A belt is probably too far, but then again, everyone’s got that really old-school relative whose favorite topic to bring up around the Thanksgiving table is, “Yeah, my dad used to smack me senseless whenever I did anything wrong as a kid, and thank Jesus he did, because otherwise I’d be a massive (insert choice of drug-addict or sex worker here), and where would we all be then?” To which you respond, “I’m not really sure where we’d all be, Grandpa/Grandma/Weird Uncle, but if it were today, I know where you’d be. You’d be forcibly removed by social services.”

4 This Erotic Movie Script Waiting To Happen

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This card combination encompasses so many #triggerwarnings in a mere fifteen words. You’ve got the insinuation of divorce, the objectification of women, the perpetuation of the patriarchy through the phallic symbol, the apparent disregard for some kind of a safe word (because once there’s vomit involved, that opportunity has probably come and gone) – and yet, one can’t help but laugh, because blowjobs are and will always be just a little bit funny. Unless you’re immature, and then they’re hilarious. Throw in a terrible pornographic set-up that involves the Mom’s New Boyfriend archetype alongside the massive genitalia trope, and you’ve got an erotic movie script just waiting to happen. I’m sure whoever threw these cards down won the round without any competition whatsoever, as well as got a movie deal from some sleazy porn director.

3 Creationism, or Just Making Excuses For Yourself?

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Here’s another one that sparks a vivid visualization: “If God didn’t want us to enjoy slowly easing down onto a cucumber, he wouldn’t have given us a 55-gallon drum of lube.” Wow. Touché, creationism enthusiast. Granted, nowhere in the bible does it say, “And on the third day, God created ample lubrication apparatuses to make all that pre-marital inanimate intercourse just a little bit more comfortable for his followers,” but then again, he did opt to make a whole lot of vegetation (carrots, eggplants, and of course, cucumbers) pretty darn phallic. Either way, a single fact rings true: whether it’s the will of God or just a person having fun with excess funds and an Amazon Prime membership, someone’s having a whole lot of fun tonight.

2 This Throwback To Manifest Destiny

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Another all-time elementary school favorite alongside Darwin’s Evolutionary Theory and the Nazi Invasion, we’ve got things like British Colonization and Manifest Destiny. If your memory’s a little bit fuzzy, hopefully this overview will clear it up: Americans got all pissed that they were under the British rule, because they were people and not animals, so they started a war and killed a lot of people, resulting in their freedom. Then Americans got all pissed that these tribes were cluttering up their new land, because they were animals and not people, so they started a war and killed a lot of people, resulting in more land. Also, the Americans learned how to grow corn, which is pretty cool and definitely worth the destruction of an entire population of people who were here first.

1 This Foolproof Method Of Hiding The Crazy

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So you’ve been dating your boyfriend for several months now, and you’ve been doing an awesome job with keeping your slight quirks and idiosyncrasies under wraps. Well, you and this girl both. While this card combo might seem a little bit foreboding, if you really think about it, every solid relationship begins with the ability to hide aspects of yourself until the water has been adequately tested. Just as long as everybody else is doing it, what’s wrong with destroying the evidence until you’re sure he won’t flip over that artificial insemination plan you’ve been working on, or that undercover vigilante serial killer operation you’ve got out of your basement? Hey, it worked for Dexter, and he was able to hold down a relationship for quite some time.

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